You’re changing me inside…

So the last month or two at Eastern have been interesting. I feel like God is hitting me with a ton of bricks sometimes. My best friend and I have been getting into some heated conversations about each others flaws. Through this I’ve realized that there’s so much I need to change about myself. Today in my college group meeting at my church we were talking about something similar. We were saying that we don’t always see our flaws but others can sometimes see them so well. This proves true for me as well. Some of the things mentioned to me I knew to be true, however, I guess you could say that I didn’t necessarily see them as flaws. I know one thing in particular is my uncanny ability to hide my feelings. There are only two people I know who this does not work on, both of which are friends from Eastern. I know how terribly bad this is because not letting my feelings out usually leads to a blow up which usually happens when I’m around those closest to me. This usually ends in that person being upset and then I get upset because I upset them. I also try to avoid saying my true thoughts so I can spare others feelings but this sometimes leads to the same result. I know that a lot of this has to do with my fear of ruining another friendship and losing someone else close to me. Multiple friends have dropped me for various small little issues and I guess in a way I blame myself even though it’s not all my fault. I sometimes apply certain situation that have happened to me in the past to possible things that could happen in the present or future but what I’ve been learning is that every person is different. I have this best friend who promises to never leave but yet it’s sometimes hard to believe it. I know I treat her like crap sometimes and yet she stays which doesn’t always make sense to me. I guess it still stems back to the worth issues that I will continue to struggle with. I sometimes wonder if it’s worth it for others to be friends with me especially when you get as close to me as my best friend and I are at this moment. She has seen me in every mood possible and in the worst states possible and considering all the crazy arguments we had we’re still close and getting closer each day. I finally have the friend that I’ve been waiting for. She’s different from every other friend I’ve ever had. She doesn’t ditch me when something else better comes along. She doesn’t judge me for the things I’ve done. She’s always there for me no matter what. And she loves me unconditionally no matter what I do. God is teaching me how to deal with conflict when we reach disagreements which is something that I’ve avoided for the majority of my life. We always manage to work things out and talk about our problems. God is really molding me through this one person and though it’s hard to handle sometimes it’s necessary. I’m finding my worth in Christ and he’s changing me into a better person more and more each day. Getting parts chiseled away from you isn’t easy but I encourage you to continue to allow God to chisel away the bad and broken parts of you because in the end you will be a better individual and happier. I end with this with a song that came to mind. It truly fits because everyday I’m getting closer to God and finding out who I am and finding my worth in God’s eyes.

 

Who I Am In You- Addison Road
Secrets they were killing me
Pulled me under in too deep
All those shadows they don’t let go
Easily
But everything I covered up
Is opening inside Your love
Let Your grace illuminate
The heart in me
Oh, You’re bringing me to life
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, You’re changing me inside
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Breath Your breath into my soul
Let my heart beat with Your own
I need Your mercy
Even when it hurts
Please shine on me
Shine on me
Oh, You’re bringing me to life
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, You’re changing me inside
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am
If there’s anything I try to hide
I pray that You will bring it to the light
Strip away the lies that I pretend
Teach me how to be a child again
Resting in Your arms
Resting in Your arms
And I could feel Your love changing me
Oh, You’re bringing me to life
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, I’ve finally realized
That I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am In You
Who I am in You
Who I am in You

From a broken world to a broken heart…

So today at the prison ministry family meeting we were looking back at ourselves and our past. The speaker asked us to think about all the things that might be holding us back or impacting us in some way whether it is positively or negatively. I was thinking hard about it and the one negative thing that always comes to mind is when I was bullied so badly in middle school because of that I tend to get down on myself and don’t feel like I’m worth it or that I can do certain things. It’s just based on things that people said to me when they were bullying me and I guess those thoughts are ingrained in my head. It’s so hard to get rid of them sometimes and sometimes I let them define me. I let them win. I guess you could say they hold me back because I sometimes tend not to try at certain things or I tend to shy away from people for fear of ridicule and/or rejection. I know that in God’s eyes I am worth more than precious silver and those are the thoughts that I should be ingraining in my head. Those are the true words, not the ones that other people have said. I’m really trying to work on changing my thoughts from those negative ones that people have told me in the past to the true words that God has said about me. It’s not the easiest thing to do to change your thoughts but I know that it is what I need to do in order to succeed in my Christian life and do what God wants me to do. The biggest positive thing that comes to mind is when I began inviting my best friend to youth group and I began to see a positive change in her. She was so depressed but I saw her gain joy through Christ which gave me joy as well. Later I found a letter she had written to my youth pastor thanking him for all that he did for her and stating that she had accepted Christ into her heart. I could not have been happier in that moment. Looking back on that gives me hope and strength for the future. It reminds me that God has worked in me and used me and shows me that I am good enough for him. It lets me know that I am worth something and that God is going to continue to do good things through me.

Love her like Jesus…

This weekend has been more of a sad one. My best friend on campus lost her grandfather on Friday morning. We spend the whole day Friday together and we had a sleepover so that we could be together and I could be there for her. I tend to be empathic towards people who are suffering or grieving so it hurts me inside as well. I have no idea what to do or say to her to make her feel better but I wish I did. I feel like all I can really do is be there for her but at times I feel like I say or do the wrong thing and she pushes me away. With our friends being the way they have been I know I’m the closest person she has which saddens me but she knows I will never leave her. I’ve been feeling God pushing us together this whole year and I’m so glad that he did. I remember meeting her last year which was around the time when she lost another close family member. I remember how terribly distraught that she was and I wanted to be there for her even though I barely even knew her. We’ve both lost someone close to us in the spring semester last year and this year and I think maybe that’s why we were brought so close together by God. He wanted us to understand each other’s pain and help us empathize with each other. He wanted us to get through this together. It just sometimes can be hard to be there for others when you’re grieving too but I know I try my hardest to do what I know God would want which is to be there for her no matter what. I know God will give me the strength to do so and will help me know what I can do to help her. She means the world to me and we’re pretty much sisters at this point. I am going to do whatever I can for her and push my feelings aside for her when I need to. I know God brought us together for a reason and he has a plan for both of us.

The song that comes to mind is Love Them Like Jesus by Casting Crowns. I feel like it’s the only thing I can do at this point and the thing that would be the best for her. There will never be the right words to say but showing God’s love to people is always the right thing to do in any situation.

 

The love of her life is drifting away
They’re losing the fight for another day
The life that she’s known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child’s broken heart

You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You trying to make – sense of it all
She’s desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She’s looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

When I’m on my knees and I taste defeat he weeps…

As I was looking through my notes for my midterm I came across the lecture that one of my professors gave towards the beginning of the semester on suffering. I have a friend who is grieving and dealing with a lot of emotional pain and suffering. I too am continuing to go through the grieving process and worrying a lot about her as well. I couldn’t even sleep last night because she seemed so sad when we spoke last night. I kept praying to God and asking him what to do. When I read through these notes I got my prayer answered. My professor told us that the most important thing to do when someone you know is suffering is to be there for them. This I know very well and tend to be very good at. It just sometimes can be difficult because you wish there was something else that you could do for them. You wish you could take away all their pain and make them happy again but you can’t. There never really is a right thing to say during these times. You just have to leave it in God’s hands and be there for them. He also mentioned the idea of empathy which I sometimes find I have way too much of. When my friends or family are hurting I tend to hurt along with them. My friends like to call me the sympathetic crier because depending on the situation if my friends are crying I will sometimes cry too. The major point he was making about empathy was to say that in order to have it you have to be there with the person feeling their emotions. You can’t do it properly from a distance. All of these points seem quite obvious and simple but yet it’s sometimes we don’t think so simply. We don’t realize how important our presence is in the lives of our friends when they are suffering. We try to find the right words to say or we buy them something to cheer them up when all they need is us and our love in their lives. I know for me at least, that’s really all I ask for and need when I’m dealing with pain and suffering and it’s sometimes hard to find which can make things even worse.

You also sometimes wonder where God is during these times. He feels so far away and you feel so alone but I can tell you that he weeps for you and hates seeing you in pain. My professor mentioned that God is not trying to find ways to hurt us on purpose so we will confess our sins. He allows suffering to happens so we can draw closer to him. Suffering is God’s megaphone. He uses it to get our attention. Jesus himself has suffered and he suffered as a way to model how we should handle suffering and how we should respond to it. When we’re hurting we need to look to him for comfort. I came across a song the other day that hit me so hard. It’s called He Weeps by Fireflight. I’ve been going through hard times lately as well as seeing my friends struggle with hard times lately as well. When I heard this song I just cried because it is so true. God is there for us and he feels our pain with us. We are not alone in anything. It was such a wonderful reminder of that for me and it really encouraged me. I hope that it might encourage you all as well.

 

He Weeps- Fireflight

Where is God when the rain falls
And takes the car off the road
Is He standing in the storm
Where is God when the child cries
And no one bends to pick her up
Could someone tell me what He does

He weeps, He weeps with you
He weeps with me
When I’m on my knees
And I taste defeat
He weeps, He weeps

Where is God when she won’t eat
When her bones start to show
Is He there when she’s lost control
Where is God when a father
Turns his back on his son
Can someone tell me what He does

He weeps, He weeps with you
He weeps with me
When I’m on my knees
And I taste defeat
He weeps, He weeps

If today’s your darkest day
And you can’t escape the pain
Don’t be afraid
He will never walk away

He weeps, He weeps with you
He weeps with me
When you’re on your knees
And you taste defeat
He weeps, He weeps
He weeps with you
He weeps with me
When you’re on your knees
And you taste defeat
He weeps, He weeps

I have a plan…

So today at prison ministry we were talking about how in the Bible a lot of the passages originally weren’t written specifically to us but yet they still apply to us and our lives. One of the was in Jeremiah 29 where it says “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you.” We were talking mostly about how we’re always trying to get things in our lives. We said the two biggest things were finding “the one” that we should marry and our career. We talked about how most of us in the group don’t believe there is just one right person out there for us to marry. There are usually multiple people that we’re compatible with and we will fall in love with one of them eventually. We also talked about how sometimes we ask God for a sign or to help us make a difficult decision but he will not always respond to us. Sometimes we feel stuck and like we’re not where we should be. We doubt our decisions which make us self-indulgent. We will make mistakes and wrong decision but in the end we need to just keep going because God makes good things out of everything. He teaches us things through our bad times and makes us better, stronger people. We tend to grow through times like this. When we go through these times we ask God why and we sometimes turn away from him but later on after we get through it we understand why we went through this. I’ve gone through multiple times where I’ve doubted my major, but I’ve also had times where God has affirmed my decision. When things get hard or frustrating is when I doubt myself the most. I find making decisions hard and I overthink things so much because I don’t want to do the wrong thing but I know God doesn’t want me to worry. I know he has a plan. It’s hard when you don’t know what his plan is but it’s good to know there you have a purpose and there is a plan for your life. I feel like you can never be reminded enough that God has a plan for you and loves you so much. Even when you’re facing struggles and hard times God is still good. He’s there with you through your pain and he will help you through it.

The busyness of life…

Wow I haven’t posted anything in like 6 weeks. My semester has just gotten hectic lately I guess. I’m doing weekly journals for my Theology class too which is probably why I haven’t been overly consistent here. My life has been nuts. I lost my sweet little puppy, who’s technically not a puppy since she was 12 but I still call her that. And my friend issues keep going back and forth. I still do have at least one consistent friend here who I can count on and we will hopefully be roommates next year. I wish I could fill you all in however there’s just so much that has gone on the past 6 weeks it would take so long for you all to read it. I hope everything is going well with you guys and hopefully I will be posting more  uplifting and encouraging entries for y’all soon.

RIP 5/14/99-1/30/12

These things will change…

So today at church we were talking about how God changed everything in Acts 11. Acts 11 talks about the beginning of the church. God changed his plan for man by shaking up the way the Jews and Gentile come to God. We see a lot of back and forth between these groups in the Bible and this is no exception. The Jews were the people of God, while the Gentiles were Pagans and Idolaters. The Jews were the “clean” people while the Gentiles were the “unclean” people. To have these two groups be able to come to God in the same way cause a major change and the people did not like it at all. There was no longer a ceremonial law, no more distinctions between the denominations, everyone could be the people of God (not just the Jews), and Gentile salvation was apart from Judaism.

The main lesson from this story is that of change. A lot of us would probably say that we do not like change. I know I don’t. Change is scary and sometimes takes us into the unknown, which is why we usually hate it. There are five main things my pastor said about change. First, life has seasons. If life were the same all the time, wouldn’t we get bored? Sometimes we need change so we can learn and grow. This brings us into our second thing, change is good. Change gives us opportunities to try new things and to learn about life and ourselves. We may not like it at first but once we’re used to it it becomes normal and routine to use until it’s time for a new change in our lives. Thirdly, God’s plans never stop. God has many wonderful things in store for us and we never know what they are. We obviously sometimes have to change ourselves so we can fit in with these plans He has. Fourth, you need to get out of your comfort zone. Once again, God sometimes puts us in situations that are out of our comfort zone so we can learn and grow. And fifth, God uses change to wake us up. Sometimes we need to lose things and allow our lives to change so we can be reminded of the need to lean on God. God is trying to make us more and more like Him everyday and without change we would never be able to do that. We wouldn’t have opportunities for growth and renewal. He is molding us into the best person we can be and He can do this by allowing change. I know sometimes it can be hard to deal with (trust me, I know from experience) but we need to try to embrace it with the best mindset we can. God knows how much change we can handle at a time and He will never hive us anymore than our limit. My pastor gave us this challenge and I want to challenge you as well to step out of your comfort zone for yourself and do something good for God. Take a missions trip. Join a ministry within your church. Try something new. Make a change within yourself. Allow God to make a change within you. Think of change as something good and embrace it.

Here’s to the new year…

So we’ve now entered 2012. It’s kinda hard to believe in fact. 2011 was an okay year for me. It brought me many obstacles and ups and downs. I’ve lost some people (in different ways) who mean the world to me and I’ve also grown closer to people as well. It’s interesting to think that once we get into May I’ll be half down with my college years. It’s hard to grasp that sometimes because I remember move in day so vividly. I’ve be blessed with so many wonderful relationships throughout my college years so far and I’ve grown so much too. Around this time last year I was so insecure and cared so much about others opinions. I would conform to others so I could fit in. At the start of this year I decided that I couldn’t take being that fake person anymore. I decided that I needed to be myself and because of it I’ve found some really great people who are just like me. I still care way too much about others opinions of me and I sometimes will hold back on the real me to those who I may not be super close to, but at least now I feel like I can let go and be who I am around my friends and I’ve learned how to open up to people more. I no longer fear their rejection because I know that if they truly love me and want to be around me then they will accept me for me. Though sometimes when people reject who I am it hurts, but I guess then I shouldn’t be around those people. Though this past semester has been a struggle with losing certain friends and having to make new ones I know it’s generally better because I no longer need to hide my true emotions and I don’t need to be someone I’m not. God has been revealing things about my past that I never realized before and my life makes a lot more sense now that He has. I can now see how God has worked in my life in the past and it is amazing. It’s been hard up until this year to let Him work because I’ve been so caught up in myself to see Him. My pastor at church on Sunday challenged the congregation to reflect on the past year/our past in general. Figure out what about your past you want to change or improve on . Make it your goal for this year to make that change. Let God work through you and show you what to do and who you are. What I hope for for 2012 is that I will continue to find my worth in God and let Him work through me. I know both of those things will be hard to do and will probably cause me a lot of struggles but I know how important both of them are and I truly want to make them happen as much as possible. I hope that you can strive to trust God and let God do his work in you as well. Sometimes it’s hard but I know that He is worth it. Make 2012 great with whatever it is that God has planned for you.

Christmas for nobodies…

So at church on Sunday the message was entitled “Christmas for Nobodies.” We were discussing that sometimes we feel like nothing and like we’re worthless. Essentially like we’re a nobody. I know for me this message really caught my attention because I’ve been feeling like this lately. I feel like I have people that I love so much but I feel like they’re kind of ignoring me and/or don’t want to talk to me. I know that’s probably not true but it’s been coming off like that lately. It’s so hard to deal with sometimes but I guess in the back of my mind I know that God loves me. I know that it should be enough just to have Him but it’s hard since you can’t necessarily see Him and He can’t be there to hold you in the same way as a human on earth can. Basically the whole lesson was to remind us that even though we feel worthless sometimes and like we’re a nobody, to God we are worth do much and we’re not a nobody to Him. He loves us all so much. He was born to a virgin, which is a miracle and then died and rose again for us. Would He do this if He didn’t love us and think we had some value to our lives? No He probably wouldn’t have. I know how hard it can be sometimes when you feel unloved, unimportant, worthless, alone but the only advice I can give is to remember what God did for you and know that He loves you, thinks you’re important and worth Him dying on the cross and that He will never leave you alone. I hope this Christmas all of you can remember its true meaning and I encourage you to remember how much God has blessed you.

The most precious gift…

So in two days I will be halfway through my sophomore year of college. It’s kinda crazy to think about. I remember move in day last year and all the friends I made in just that one day. It was a grand time. Most of the semester I missed what last year was and all the friends I had. I felt like a lost a lot this year but now as we end this semester I feel like I’ve gotten some of it back. Yes, I miss all my friends who are no longer here but I feel like I’ve gained back some of the ones still here that I thought I lost. I feel better about this semester now and I feel happier too. I hope to visit my big sister in the next week or so and I’m pretty psyched about it, if it happens that is. Either way I still have an amazing Christmas break ahead of me which is exciting. My best friend is getting married, my other bestie is becoming an adult and I’m turning one year older. How about that. God has gotten me through a lot this semester and I know He will continue to be here for me. I’ve felt so alone lately except for my sweet big sister hanging out with me in my room all the time, but I know I always have God and will never be truly alone. I just want to remind you all of these truths. As we near the Christmas season, I don’t want you all to think of all the gifts you will get, or the great company you will have or what you don’t have. I want you to think about the things you do have, the things you are thankful for. I want you to remember the true meaning of Christ: Jesus. He was born and then He died for us so we could be free of sin. All of the things of this world are His, not ours. Everything we have we should be thankful for because it’s a gift from God. He blesses each and everyone of us everyday and we need to remember that. We may be facing rough time, but He is always there and He will get us through it. I’ve been spending so much time dwelling on what I don’t have and who is no longer in my life. What I should have been doing was thanking God for the new people in my life and the people I’ve had the opportunity to grow closer to this semester. God has provided all of them for me and I am grateful for that. My big sister and I would not have grow as close together if we had not lost our big sister and some of the others that we had in our lives. We bonded together over that and that was God’s plan all along. I now have a lot of those I lost back and I’m also thankful for that as well. Though it’s been hard to not have them around this semester I now know that I have another big sister to be there and watch over me just like my other did and still is. I am forever grateful for both of my wonderful big sisters and I love them both so much. I thank God for them every single day. So my point is that even if you feel like you have nothing or you’re struggling with something right now know that God is there and He will bless you and watch over you. You have the most amazing gift in the world and you will never be alone again!