He knows…

So recently I’ve been going through a lot of health issues with my stomach. At first they basically thought that is was nothing but after going through intense stomach pains for three months and farther testing they’ve discovered that there is a more serious problem going on with my stomach. Apparently there is bile in places where it shouldn’t be which is causing me to have intense burning and pains in my stomach. The doctors do not know exactly what is causing the excess bile but I will need to go through more testing to find out possible causes and treatment plans. It has been quite difficult lately and I have been going through such an emotional roller coaster through this whole process. I haven’t really told that many people about my sickness because I’m trying to be strong for everyone else and help them through their struggles. This has been very hard because it sometimes feels like I am suffering alone and that no one really cares. As I’m thinking about it though I know that I have a God who know my pain, knows my struggles, and is there for me though everything. I am reminded of this through a song that is still kind of new on the Christian music scene. It is a song by Jeremy Camp called He Knows.In the song it talks about how you are not alone in your suffering, God is there for you and he knows what you are going through. He makes the dark parts of our lives light again if we turn to him and trust in him. He has gotten me through so many things in my life and I know that he will not fail me. He will get me through this and if you are struggling through a trial in your own life, he will get you through it as well. He is faithful. So don’t give up hope and if you feel alone just know that God is there to hold you and get you through this.

He Knows – Jeremy Camp

All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you’re standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

[Chorus:]
He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

[Chorus]

Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He knows

[Chorus]

Thoughts of sabatage…

So I posted something about a year and a half ago about this boy that I loved deeply who refused to let others in on his struggles. Reading over it today I realized that I am doing that right now with this other person in my life. With all my trust issues and things and having just recently started talking with them I have been afraid to let them know what has been going on with me. I keep telling myself that the thoughts and struggles that I am dealing with are stupid and I am being stupid for feeling this way. I know that all the negativity I am feeling about my relationship is me overthinking everything and allowing myself to think that I don’t deserve the things I have so in reality my negative thoughts are not true. This guy I am dating is the most amazing person ever and it’s hard not to think that I don’t deserve him because of my brokenness. Sometimes it feels like I am giving him damaged goods by being with him. I know that he doesn’t feel this way and wants to be there for me. I feel right now that I am sabotaging myself and our relationship by thinking the way I do but I can’t stop myself from having these thoughts. It’s really sad because he’s the best thing that has ever come into my life. He treats me well, he cares for me, and he never forgets to tell me how blessed he feels to have me in his life. I feel blessed to have him too yet I feel alone and depressed again despite the fact that I feel so happy every time I am around him. I’ve been contemplating whether I should deal with this on my own, let it go, or talk to him about it. If I took my own advice and put myself back into the situation that I wrote about from a year and a half ago I would want the other person to talk to me about it but I’m just scared. Scared about how he is going to feel about all of this. We’ve only been together for a month and a half. Is it too soon to allow him into my deepest thoughts? Would I scare him away if I shared my past with him? How do I handle this situation? I’m looking to God to tell me what I should do. I don’t want to ruin this relationship and I’m beginning to think that it’s best to be honest with him about my feelings and if it makes him not want to be with me anymore than I’ll know that he is not right for me.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears…

So today I was given some not so great news. The little girl Beth (she’ll be 12 on Oct 7), whom I’ve talked about in previous posts with neuroblastoma is once again facing some not so good outcomes right now. The past couple weeks she has been having some troubles with knee pain that have begun to reach a high level of pain for her. She went through a series of x-rays to determine if there was a cause of the pain. All of the x-rays came back clear which leaves the sinking suspicion that the cancer may have returned. She has been cancer free for about a year now and it has been great to see her happy and energetic again. She has been able to enjoy life with her 2 sisters and brother and she just started 6th grade a few weeks ago. Now she will be facing another possible fight for her life. She had clear scans on July 10th and everything seemed to be going so well. Now she will be enduring a round of MIBG scans this Tuesday to discover if there are cancer cells in her body once again. Going through the pain and shock this has caused for me today I thought of this song by Jeremy Camp called There Will Be A Day. It talks about how one day when we reach Heaven we will finally be free of the pain of this world and we will see Jesus. It also says that until that day we need to hold onto Jesus and realize that we don’t walk alone. Jesus is there throughout all of our pain and trials. He has a plan and it is good.Through our trials we sometimes forget these things. I know I do it too. All I can do right now in this situation is trust God to work it all out and realize that no matter what happens I will be okay. Yes, it will be difficult but I don’t walk alone.

There Will Be A Day by Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

[Chorus]
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

[Chorus]

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing

What hurts the most…

So looking back on some of these posts that I’ve written a while ago I can now truly see the growth that has come in my life. I used to be so afraid of being who I was because I needed everyone to love me. I’ve come to the recent realization that people love me because I am who I am. I changed myself completely for a guy 2 1/2 years ago, which inadvertently ended horribly last year. I become this different person to make him love me, which never happened. I fell in love deeply with him but he never felt that way which was heartbreaking and I spend my fair share of time crying over the whole thing. Recently though, I’ve come to realize the fact that he was never right for me. Most of the time all I ever felt was hurt by being with him. He treated me in a way that was not good for me. At the time he was going through tough times (which he never openly talked about). He needed help but he refused to accept that and decided to shut everyone out. By doing this, he ended up hurting a lot of people because he refused to deal with his struggles. He always felt that he was never wrong and that he didn’t need anyone else in his life. I used to be that way too. I always had a hard time opening up to people and letting them in on my life. Over the past year I’ve learned how bad this is for a person and I regret some of my own actions that occurred during my blow up periods. I always felt that I had to deal with it all on my own but now I know I don’t have to. I’ve learned there is nothing wrong with asking for help. It doesn’t make you weak (like I thought), it actually makes you stronger (and people genuinely like to help). This guy now has a new girlfriend in his life which seems to be a good thing and I’m actually genuinely happy for him. He seems happy again and I can see he’s grown too.  I lost a lot because of him but I’m also much better because of him. It’s hard sometimes to see him in passing at school but I’ve moved on from this and after about a year I can finally say that I forgive him for everything that happened. Though I don’t know whether we’ll be able to talk again and I don’t think we’ll ever be able to come to a point where we can be friends ever again, I don’t regret being his friend for those two years.

I think the thing that hurts the most about the whole thing is that all I ever tried to do was help him be happy again and to love him. But he never appreciated any of that. He never gave it a chance. He walked away from even having a friendship with me because he was scared. He never wanted to confront all the horrible things that have happened to him in his life and all the things he saw as an EMT in Haiti after the hurricane. I didn’t need him to talk to me about it I just wanted him to acknowledge that he was hurt and deeply changed by all these experiences. He was always quick to help others who were hurt but he was always afraid to deal with his own hurt so he denied it. I do not regret our friendship, or getting to know him, or spending time with him. And I don’t hate him or think that he’s a bad person. I no longer feel afraid that I might see him around campus. I’ve finally found closure and forgiveness and I feel great about where I am going. Now finally being able to see this in a different, more positive light I can truly say that I am able to move on from this and begin again with someone new.

Your love has come for me…

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last blogged. Life’s been crazy but all is well. God gave me the greatest Easter gift I could have ever imagined. One of my best friends who has been gone for so long was able to visit after two year of being apart. I could not feel more blessed. Lately I’ve been struggling with the feeling that I am alone. Throughout this week God showed me that I am not. Around this time we are celebrating the wondrous gift of salvation and forgiveness of God, but I feel that God has given me much more.Though there have been some difficult things that I’ve had to face this year, it’s times like this that I truly feel blessed. God never fails to come through for me even though I sometimes find it hard to trust Him in these moments. He has made me truly happy again and I feel filled up with love in a way that I haven’t in so long. Without God, I feel that I would truly have nothing. So in this Easter season I hope that you feel as loved as I do by your Heavenly Father because He loves you so much that He was willing to die on a cross to forgive you of your sins and to give you an eternal life with Him. There is no stronger love than that.

God is good, all the time…

So last night I was lying in bed thinking about how grateful I am to have a God who provides! Just recently I ran into an issue with my car. I love this car but it’s 12 years old and it’s lived its life well. We were hoping that it would last until I graduate college in two years but it turns out it will not. Luckily God has provided a car for me to use and it’s absolutely wonderful. It kinda of stinks because I’m broke and have no job currently but yet somehow I am getting this car. I just feel completely undeserving but God always comes through for me anyway. He just loves me so much even though I’m  sinner and I’m sure I disappoint Him 100 times a day. He continues to put these wonderful people in my life even though I tend to be a jerk sometimes and I”m a flawed human being. I’ve began to learn what true friends are because these people continue to love me no matter what. Also,  I mess things up all the time up all the time but God always gives me another chance. He never gives up on me. I could list so many things that He gives me that I don’t deserve. I just needed to share with everyone how blessed I am and remind them how blessed they are as well. We never seem to thank God enough but He deserves our love because He is good and He provides. Even though we don’t deserve all the wonderful things we have in our lives He gives it to us anyway because He loves us. I just want to encourage everyone to take a moment and think about all the things in your life that you have been given. Think about the blessings you have and take time to thank God for those things.

I’m not the one in control…

So lately I’ve been thinking about how not in control I am. I guess for me this is a good thing because I tend to either be completely apathetic or I over think things way too much. God has been hitting me with some things in the past two weeks and I know that there is nothing that I can do to change the way they turn out. God will make everything okay but sometimes it’s hard until it actually happens. I know that I personally have some trust issues and though it’s gotten better over the last year there’s still work to be done. I know things will turn out better with God in control and I know that God knows way better than I do but it’s hard sometimes to let go and let God handle things. We worry so much about things and they usually turn out for the best. They may not turn out the way we want, but God always makes sure that things turn out okay in the end. I came across this song earlier today and it hit me. Throughout the day today it seems he’s been telling me to let go of my worry because he is in control and everything will be okay. Though I can’t see his plan, he has one, and it is good.

You Know Better by MercyMe

You’d think I’d know by now
Who’s running the show
And what really matters.
But I keep picking a fight.
With “letting go”
And keep getting hammeredIt’s a knock down.
Drag out.
Oh and I am face down.
For the count.
And I’m reminded.
I’m not the one in control.

I know You know better so
Why don’t I go whenever
You say come follow wherever You lead.
So won’t You help me

Would You wake me up
And make me aware
Of what You are doing.
And from my point of view
It’s not very clear
Where this is going

But it’s Your call.
Help me understand.
It’s not how I fall.
But where I land.
So I’m reminded
I’m not the one in control.

I know You know better so
Why don’t I go whenever
You say come follow wherever You lead.
So won’t You help me

Whatever You have in store.
Whatever I am in for.
I want to trust You more and more and more…

Oh oh oh oh, You know better
Oh oh oh oh, You know better

And I know You know better so
Why don’t I go whenever
You say come follow wherever You lead.
(I know You know better so)
I know You know better so
Why don’t I go whenever
You say come follow wherever You lead.
So won’t You help me
I know You know better
I know You know better…

You’re changing me inside…

So the last month or two at Eastern have been interesting. I feel like God is hitting me with a ton of bricks sometimes. My best friend and I have been getting into some heated conversations about each others flaws. Through this I’ve realized that there’s so much I need to change about myself. Today in my college group meeting at my church we were talking about something similar. We were saying that we don’t always see our flaws but others can sometimes see them so well. This proves true for me as well. Some of the things mentioned to me I knew to be true, however, I guess you could say that I didn’t necessarily see them as flaws. I know one thing in particular is my uncanny ability to hide my feelings. There are only two people I know who this does not work on, both of which are friends from Eastern. I know how terribly bad this is because not letting my feelings out usually leads to a blow up which usually happens when I’m around those closest to me. This usually ends in that person being upset and then I get upset because I upset them. I also try to avoid saying my true thoughts so I can spare others feelings but this sometimes leads to the same result. I know that a lot of this has to do with my fear of ruining another friendship and losing someone else close to me. Multiple friends have dropped me for various small little issues and I guess in a way I blame myself even though it’s not all my fault. I sometimes apply certain situation that have happened to me in the past to possible things that could happen in the present or future but what I’ve been learning is that every person is different. I have this best friend who promises to never leave but yet it’s sometimes hard to believe it. I know I treat her like crap sometimes and yet she stays which doesn’t always make sense to me. I guess it still stems back to the worth issues that I will continue to struggle with. I sometimes wonder if it’s worth it for others to be friends with me especially when you get as close to me as my best friend and I are at this moment. She has seen me in every mood possible and in the worst states possible and considering all the crazy arguments we had we’re still close and getting closer each day. I finally have the friend that I’ve been waiting for. She’s different from every other friend I’ve ever had. She doesn’t ditch me when something else better comes along. She doesn’t judge me for the things I’ve done. She’s always there for me no matter what. And she loves me unconditionally no matter what I do. God is teaching me how to deal with conflict when we reach disagreements which is something that I’ve avoided for the majority of my life. We always manage to work things out and talk about our problems. God is really molding me through this one person and though it’s hard to handle sometimes it’s necessary. I’m finding my worth in Christ and he’s changing me into a better person more and more each day. Getting parts chiseled away from you isn’t easy but I encourage you to continue to allow God to chisel away the bad and broken parts of you because in the end you will be a better individual and happier. I end with this with a song that came to mind. It truly fits because everyday I’m getting closer to God and finding out who I am and finding my worth in God’s eyes.

 

Who I Am In You- Addison Road
Secrets they were killing me
Pulled me under in too deep
All those shadows they don’t let go
Easily
But everything I covered up
Is opening inside Your love
Let Your grace illuminate
The heart in me
Oh, You’re bringing me to life
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, You’re changing me inside
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Breath Your breath into my soul
Let my heart beat with Your own
I need Your mercy
Even when it hurts
Please shine on me
Shine on me
Oh, You’re bringing me to life
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, You’re changing me inside
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am
If there’s anything I try to hide
I pray that You will bring it to the light
Strip away the lies that I pretend
Teach me how to be a child again
Resting in Your arms
Resting in Your arms
And I could feel Your love changing me
Oh, You’re bringing me to life
And I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am in You
Oh, I’ve finally realized
That I’m finding who I am in You
Who I am In You
Who I am in You
Who I am in You

From a broken world to a broken heart…

So today at the prison ministry family meeting we were looking back at ourselves and our past. The speaker asked us to think about all the things that might be holding us back or impacting us in some way whether it is positively or negatively. I was thinking hard about it and the one negative thing that always comes to mind is when I was bullied so badly in middle school because of that I tend to get down on myself and don’t feel like I’m worth it or that I can do certain things. It’s just based on things that people said to me when they were bullying me and I guess those thoughts are ingrained in my head. It’s so hard to get rid of them sometimes and sometimes I let them define me. I let them win. I guess you could say they hold me back because I sometimes tend not to try at certain things or I tend to shy away from people for fear of ridicule and/or rejection. I know that in God’s eyes I am worth more than precious silver and those are the thoughts that I should be ingraining in my head. Those are the true words, not the ones that other people have said. I’m really trying to work on changing my thoughts from those negative ones that people have told me in the past to the true words that God has said about me. It’s not the easiest thing to do to change your thoughts but I know that it is what I need to do in order to succeed in my Christian life and do what God wants me to do. The biggest positive thing that comes to mind is when I began inviting my best friend to youth group and I began to see a positive change in her. She was so depressed but I saw her gain joy through Christ which gave me joy as well. Later I found a letter she had written to my youth pastor thanking him for all that he did for her and stating that she had accepted Christ into her heart. I could not have been happier in that moment. Looking back on that gives me hope and strength for the future. It reminds me that God has worked in me and used me and shows me that I am good enough for him. It lets me know that I am worth something and that God is going to continue to do good things through me.

Love her like Jesus…

This weekend has been more of a sad one. My best friend on campus lost her grandfather on Friday morning. We spend the whole day Friday together and we had a sleepover so that we could be together and I could be there for her. I tend to be empathic towards people who are suffering or grieving so it hurts me inside as well. I have no idea what to do or say to her to make her feel better but I wish I did. I feel like all I can really do is be there for her but at times I feel like I say or do the wrong thing and she pushes me away. With our friends being the way they have been I know I’m the closest person she has which saddens me but she knows I will never leave her. I’ve been feeling God pushing us together this whole year and I’m so glad that he did. I remember meeting her last year which was around the time when she lost another close family member. I remember how terribly distraught that she was and I wanted to be there for her even though I barely even knew her. We’ve both lost someone close to us in the spring semester last year and this year and I think maybe that’s why we were brought so close together by God. He wanted us to understand each other’s pain and help us empathize with each other. He wanted us to get through this together. It just sometimes can be hard to be there for others when you’re grieving too but I know I try my hardest to do what I know God would want which is to be there for her no matter what. I know God will give me the strength to do so and will help me know what I can do to help her. She means the world to me and we’re pretty much sisters at this point. I am going to do whatever I can for her and push my feelings aside for her when I need to. I know God brought us together for a reason and he has a plan for both of us.

The song that comes to mind is Love Them Like Jesus by Casting Crowns. I feel like it’s the only thing I can do at this point and the thing that would be the best for her. There will never be the right words to say but showing God’s love to people is always the right thing to do in any situation.

 

The love of her life is drifting away
They’re losing the fight for another day
The life that she’s known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child’s broken heart

You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You trying to make – sense of it all
She’s desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She’s looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus